Happy Friday, y'all! Today I wanna talk about food, as I do most Fridays. Well, actually this week I'm going to shift gears a bit. I wanna talk about the most important person in your restaurant experience; your server!
Now, in my opinion, there are two types of people in this world: Those who have worked as a server, and those who haven't. If you are in the camp of "those who haven't," please raise your hand.
Oh, you haven't? GO PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE STOMACH 13 TIMES FOR STIFFING YOUR FELLOW BROKE HUMAN BEING!!!!! News flash! Your ranch dressing is not that important, and $2.47 is not an acceptable gratuity! (unless your bill was less than $15)
Servers are a rare breed who work almost exclusively on tips. In other words, we get paid only as much as you want to pay us. We basically just act as liaison between the cooks in the back and the customers in the front, successfully pissing both parties off without actually being the one to do anything wrong. In other words, we are the bearers of bad news. It is a fast-paced, high stress work environment, but that cash payday at the end of every night makes it worth it... sometimes...
Now, a lot of people (most of you who raised your hand earlier) are actually quite terrible at being a dining out customer. Sure, courtesies have changed in the past few decades, but as a general rule think of your server (and all your restaurant staff) as a fellow human being and you should not have any problems. For a more detailed plan of attack, check out my how-to in reverse below!
How to Receive Bad Service at a Restaurant:
1) Ask the host to move several different times before settling on a table. Better yet, just walk in and sit where you'd like. These people clearly don't know what they're doing anyway.
2) As the server greets your table, interrupt them loudly by stating what you'd like to drink/eat in one-word sentences (i.e., "WATER!!"). If you brought your air horn, now would be the time to use it.
3) Create a very complex version of what you want, and order that to eat. Better yet, ask for something that isn't even on the menu. (Now, this one get's a little controversial. I understand there are a lot of food allergies and even more yuppy diets that tell you what you can and can't eat. Ideally, you would go in knowing this and look at menus before deciding on a restaurant. Simple fact is, the more complicated your order, the angrier the server and the kitchen staff)
4) Ask for one thing at a time, each time your server comes to the table. No, your ketchup, ranch dressing, iced tea refill, and extra napkins absolutely cannot come out all at the same time!
5) Send food back. Now, obviously there are instances when this is necessary (objects in food, cold food, etc.) but you need to know that if you ordered a steak medium and send it back for not being cooked right, you are now Public Enemy Number 1. Ask yourself, "Is it worth everyone from the dishwasher to the general manager hating me to get my steak re-cooked?" Now that I think about it, maybe that steak is medium after all!
*Side note: In my experience, spitting, etc. in customers' food DOES NOT HAPPEN! Thinking that sending your food back will cause someone to huck a loogie in it is not true like in the movies, but it will make everyone working at the restaurant want to murder your children... which they already did anyway, your brats are messy, whiny, and obnoxious.
6) Leave a bad tip. Really, this is the best way to get bad service, and bad karma. Nowadays, there is no set dollar amount that is good or bad, but rather, it is a percentage. Let me give you a breakdown of the message you send with different tip percentages:
20% and up: Great job, Sam! The food was good, and your service was great. What's more, we think you are handsome, your jokes are funny, and we want you to succeed in life!
15-19%: Good job! We liked you and the food well enough, but I'm not about to give you my daughter's hand in marriage. I hope you move on to bigger and better things, so here's some money. Definitely get a real job though...
10-15%: Well, that was OK. Either there was a problem with the food or the service. I don't hate you as a person, Sam, but I'm definitely not about to call you on the weekend. Really, what I'm saying is, you did a decent job, but I am too much of a cheap ass or too broke to give you a proper tip. Sorry I'm not sorry.
5-10%: Either a) I was born before 1955 (Dad, I'm talking to you here), b) there was a huge problem with our dining experience and I am blaming you, c) I really can't afford to be eating out, and this tip thing is the first thing in my budget to get cut, or d) F#%& YOU!!
0-5%: I literally hope you starve to death.
And that's it, folks! I honestly wish I didn't know what each table left me, so I wouldn't have to harbor all these feelings, but that's just how it works!
So the next time you go out to eat, try to remember that your server is just a person. They have their own lives completely outside of serving! Ask them about it, and get to know what they do other than bring you ranch dressing and clean up after your children. Until next time, FOLLOW THE PACE RABBIT!
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