If you can relate to this, then you are a triathlEATer. I like to think I coined this term myself, but really anybody could combine the words "athlete" and "eat," so I probably wasn't the first. On that note, this phenomenon is not exclusive to triathletes. Any athlete who has a large workload (except wrestlers... or as I call them, "anorextlers") and needs to eat a lot can probably feel my pain here.
The bottom line is, I train a lot, so I have to eat A LOT! Believe it or not, this is not as cool as it sounds. In fact, it can be annoying sometimes. The following is a list of signs that you have experienced "triathleating." Again, keep in mind this is exclusive to athletes with a heavy training load; if you just eat a lot and don't work out (I'll try not to call you "gentiles") you have clearly let the fat kid out of his cage.
- You have experienced great dismay at the portion sizes in a restaurant. There really is nothing worse than that realization of, "ugh... this is just not enough food..." While most people complain about huge portions, you are already finished and your stomach is still rumbling... but never fear...there is peanut butter, jelly, and bread at home!
- You get irrationally angry with picky eaters. ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? YOU THREW AWAY HALF YOUR SALAD! The simple fact that people actually have a choice in what they eat sparks rage and jealousy. We should all be so lucky... some of us just have to eat, regardless of the taste.
- You get two mints at drive throughs... when ordering for yourself... Places like Sonic and Amigos always give you an extra mint. Because there is no way all that food is for only one person... right?
- You've gotten to the last bite of something before realizing it doesn't taste all that good. At this point, there is a moment of self-loathing... before you get over it and make another snack.
- When cooking for friends, you forget that they didn't ride 65 miles that morning. This goes back to different portion sizing by non-triathleats (again, I didn't want to use the word "gentiles" here). Sorry I poured a half a pound of pasta on your plate... and two chicken breasts...
- Going to the grocery store requires eating beforehand. You already spend half your paycheck on groceries as it is. Let's make sure we go with a full tummy so we don't get 3 different varieties of Oreos... and beef jerky... cuz its Paleo, right?
- There is a post-workout-pre-meal snack. Meal preparation takes energy, and energy takes food. Yes, I will eat a turkey sandwich... so that I have enough energy to make another turkey sandwich.
- You go by the Hobbit eating schedule. Before and after every workout there is a meal, along with all the other meals in the day. We're gonna have to make time for second breakfast, eleventies, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper.
- "Hungry" is a relative term. It is a constant state. If someone asks, "Are you hungry?" The answer is always "yes," but there are varying degrees of "yes." There is I-Just-Ate hungry, I'm-about-to-go-workout hungry, I-just-finished-a-workout hungry, I'm STARVING, I-will-literally-eat-a-baby hungry, and Hangry.
- You get irrationally angry when people call you "lucky." Yes, there is a lot of irrational anger in triathleating that gentiles (I mean, non-triathletes... sorry) do not understand. Probably due to low blood-sugar (see #9). Sure, I'm lucky to be living my dream, but I am NOT lucky to be able to eat so much! If you'd done what I've done today, you could eat a bacon cheeseburger with Krispy Kremes as a bun too (not that I've done that...) Trust me, you don't want to do what I have to do in order to be able to eat so much.
All in all, we just eat more, because we do more. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go make a snack. Until next time FOLLOW THE PACE RABBIT!!!
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