...wait what?
Anyway, I came from a swimming background. Therefore, I feel it is my duty to share what NOT to do in a pool when trying to get a workout in. Things like this will get you labeled as a newbie, or worse a triathlete! As if your atrocious mechanics and immobile shoulders weren't enough of a giveaway...
Just like there is a certain Old-World sensibility in cycling, and a varsity-esque camaraderie in running, swimmers have a set of unwritten rules that they follow.
Here are 7 tips that I have gleaned through 17 years of swimming, each of them crucial to looking the part. Follow these, and other swimmers will at least think you're a swimmer. But don't worry, everyone else will still think you're a weirdo...
1) Wear a "speedo"
Or a "racer" or "briefs," whatever you wanna call them fellas, wear 'em! This one is obviously just for my male readers. I see it all the time... dudes who aren't comfortable with their pasty thighs, riddled with 3 inch leg hairs. This does not mean you are allowed to wear a jammer!! Only 8 and unders wear jammers, or if you are at a taper meet and it is a tech suit.
Even worse are square legs... these are only acceptable if you have a beard and an indistinguishable foreign accent, otherwise do not let me catch you in one! Drag suits are ok... if you like swimming slow... I guess?
Still not convinced you can pull off a pair of briefs? Look at this before/after photo.
And here below is the same guy, after putting on a speedo:
Obviously, we'd all rather be the second guy, right? WEAR A RACER!
.... Author's note; those may or may not be different dudes...
2) Don't Shower beforehand
I don't know why, but this is like, standard protocol for determining who is and isn't a swimmer. My guess is that real swimmers don't need to shower since they don't really sweat anything but chlorine, and its only been a matter of hours since their last swim anyway. Whatever the case may be, its just not something we do. And for all you entitled teenage lifeguards out there, don't tell me I need to rinse off before entering unless you would like to see me melt cheese with my eyes.
3) Pee in the Pool
Ohhh come on, whats the chlorine for anyway???
4) No wristwatches
Seriously, have you ever noticed the huge wall clocks? Those are your pace clocks! Besides, if you have time to stop and check your split on the wall, then you aren't doing a flip turn properly anyway.
While on this topic, why not learn some lingo? If a swimmer says "leave on the top," they mean leave when the clock hits 60 seconds. "On the bottom" is on the 30 seconds. And, if for instance you've got a set of 100s on 1:30, that means you have 1 minute and 30 seconds to complete the swim and your rest before leaving again. So, you're pushing off the wall every 1:30, that's not your target time!! (Unless you're doing breaststroke drills... or you're a runner...)
5) Understand your equipment
Fins, paddles, buoys, snorkels, and straps are great. However, simply carrying them around in your mesh bag just because you have them and want to feel "in the know" does not make you a better swimmer. Also, putting them all on at once and swimming is sort of like putting a body kit and a spoiler on your busted up 1997 Toyota Corolla.
Don't subject me to visual torture, use your equipment properly!
6) Cap it up!
Yep, wear a cap. Especially if you're a girl... nothing makes me question your chromosomal count like your long, green hair flowing behind you... Guys, I still say wear a cap. It's faster, warmer, and gives you more opportunity for ad space!
While on the topic of head gear, nosepieces and earplugs are generally frowned upon. In my 17 years of swimming experience, the best way to keep water out of your ears and nose is by staying out of the pool.
7) Speak incoherently, act sullen
Swimming has to have one of the highest burnout rates in sports, and this is apparent in the taciturn attitude on deck. Swimmers are generally not happy to be at the pool again, since their last swim was only a few hours ago. You wanna look the part? Just act pissed off.
However, once done with practice, goofing off, being profane and inappropriate, and talking as much trash as possible are standard protocol.
So you see, swimmers are not that different from everyone else... Ok, so they're pretty freakin' weird... and I don't know why you would want to look or act like one (I can say that because I was/am one) but maybe its better than looking like a triathlete! (I can also say that because I am one...)
Now that you look fast, its time to go fast. That's right, get to the pool and bust out a T-30 set, or some 400 IM repeats! And, as always, FOLLOW THE PACE RABBIT!
